Sunday, 13 November 2011

Movember: Invasion of the lip spiders

I woke up this morning feeling, well, curmudgeonly.

Maybe it's the weather.

Maybe it's the general economic downturn.

Maybe it's my age.

In any event, it's time to vent.

I would like to know why Prime Minister Harper has left his homeland and become a professional world traveller. He's in Hawaii for yet another one of those stupid A meetings and one of the three amigos is a no show. So why didn't he just cancel the trip?

And why does Laureen Harper have to tag along to Hawaii for the A-something meeting? Shouldn't she have her glue gun out decorating one ball or another? Would she be going if the meeting were in Afganistan?

I was at the gymnasty yesterday, on the rowing machine, and I noticed a couple of Lou Lou Liz Lemons standing on the spiral staircase having a chat. People couldn't get by.

The two stick figures were completely oblivious.

What's with that? I felt like yelling at them to move along.

The gymnasty has more employees than members. There are lots of greeters. Lots of trainers. What they need is traffic control.

I was eating a banana this morning and half of it was bruised. So was the banana yesterday. I hate bruised bananas. Perhaps the grocers should consider putting bananas in protective bubble wrap so that when I'm ready to eat them, they are yellow, not black. I have no time to make banana bread.

Weren't you fascinated this week when the little girl found a black widow spider in the grapes she bought at Loblaws? Did the spider miss its flight to Venezuela?

Imagine if she'd have eaten that spider. It would have been a real taste sensation that's for sure.

Why can't they get the supers right on CTV Ottawa? Does the super guy not have spell check on his computer?

Why did Dawg FM hire a news reader who drops her Gs? Well, she doesn't exactly drop them. This is what she says: workeen, reporteen, talkeen. It's ING damn it! Stop ruining my morning commute.

Just sayeen.

Why does the city have to do construction work on both Belfast and Industrial Avenue at once? There are only two ways to get to the gymnasty --Belfast and Industrial -- so why can't the crews do one street at a time?

Here's the big one.

If I pay the boys on TSN a million dollars will they shave off those bloody moustaches? Their upper lips eerily resemble the spider the little girl found in her grapes.

I'm all for raising money for prostate cancer research but that doesn't give every guy the right to sport a hair ball on his upper lip when he knows he can't grow it.

Let's face it, ladies. Movember is all about you-know-who. They don't have to run, walk or do the horizontal mambo to raise money. They just have to alter their facial appearance. And brag. Or worse. Grin.

Movember is stupid. There should be a law. If you can't grow a stash, just donate money. No excuses.

Why can't the wives stand up to these men?

Why don't we women rise up in protest and raise money by refusing to shave our pits?.

Call it Aprit or Pituary.

Hockey players should also be fined for growing inappropriate facial hair.

It would happen if I ruled the NHL.

Those boys on TSN would be fired, if I ran the network.

Finally, why does Christmas have to come in the fourth fiscal quarter? There's no work for writers leading up to Christmas. Clients are too busy planning Christmas parties to worry about those pesky reports that need editing.

There's no work for car salesmen, either. Nobody buys a car the month before Christmas, not even plastic surgeons.

Our family is broke, broke, broke.

Time to take up dog sitting for all those people with Christmas hangovers who are too sick to walk their dogs in the morning.

Better yet, let's postpone Christmas indefinitely.

That's my rant. Be off with yee.

I'm going to the gymnasty for some heavy lifting.

Watch out Lou Lou Liz Lemons. I'm hunteen for bear.

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