Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Harper and Obama: The hockey nerd and the baller



It seems our prime minister is faltering in his quest for world domination.

Sure, he and Barry O'bama were all smiles for the photo ops. But when they got down and dirty at APEC, Barry showed Steve-o the hand.

He might even have farted in his general direction.

Not much of a bromance when you come right down to it.

Harper seems not to understand how little Canada means to the rest of the world.

Except for our comedy.

And our music.

And even in those arenas, the Brits are gaining on us.

Goodbye SCTV, Hello, The Office.

Goodbye David Foster. Hello Simon Cowell.

About the only things Americans respect us for are our cheap drugs and our looney-tune acrobats.

And Lorne Michaels.

Anyway.

Steve-o should take some tips from former prime ministers to improve our influence south of the border.

The Yanks hated Trudeau. But damn it, they respected him.

He shunned Reagan, but he dated Barbra Streisand.

He was too cool.

And left them wanting more.

Mulroney took Canada-U.S. relations to a new level. He understood how to talk to Americans. After all, wasn't Mulroney's job before being PM to shut down Canadian plants on behalf of the big Bad Americans?

He loved that shit.

Mulroney wasn't afraid to sing When Irish Eyes were Miiling with Reagan. Nancy and Mila traded designer tips.

All Laureen Harper has managed to do is show Michelle Obama how to sew moccasions and put together birch bark canoes with a glue gun.

Chretien played golf with Clinton.

And did one arm push ups.

Presidents didn't mess with Chretien.

Harper might have hoped Barry would jam with him.

But Barry's a real dude.

He plays basketball.

Imagine Steve-o on the basketball court with Obama.

Well, at least Harper comes with his own ball! Too many Cokes and cookies if you know what I's saying.

Harper has no rapport with Obama. He's not cool. He's not athletic. He's a hockey nerd who can't skate. He writes books about hockey.

The only thing Harper had going for him was Michaelle Jean.

And he replaced her with a guy who looks like John McCain.

So no wonder Obama's giving him the symbolic finger on the Jellystone Pipeline.

Canada can't win on that count.

Obama doesn't want to offend his celebrity friends who have all come out against the Jellystone Pipeline. Like Julia Louis-Dreyfuss. And Daryl Hannah.

Perhaps Oprah.

We have no celebrities shilling for the pipeline. None.

If Harper could just get The Bieber to hold up a sign.

Or spray Obama with cologne.

Arrange a date with Beiber and Sasha.

(Don't forget the protection!)

Unfortunately, Harper has no celebrity friends.

Not even Steven Page.

There's not a Barenaked Lady out there to support him.

Also, Harper needs a makeover.

Get rid of the glasses and the hair spray.

Lose fifty pounds.

Date a super model.

Something.

The good news for Harper is that Obama is tanking. He may not make a second term.

So Harper could use his back up plan.

Hope the Republicans can find a candidate who can keep it in his pants long enough to run for chief dog catcher.

It's his only hope.

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