Friday, 4 November 2011

Dolphins lean to swim with sharks

With all this talk of bullying, it should be pointed out that bullying doesn't stop after high school.

For a lot of folks, it doesn't get better, as the campaign suggests. A lot of folks just learn to deal.

I didn't get bullied in high school, but I've certainly met my share in the workplace, particularly in the federal government where it seems all the mean girls got jobs as managers after high school.

I once worked as a temporary replacement in a government department whose communications manager was an absolute monster. She would only meet face to face with the staff once a week and would manage using threatening emails.

I replaced three of her staff members over four months, all of whom had taken stress leave because of her wicked queen like behavior.

I've also encountered many bullies working in newspapers.

They were called editors.

I've been called every name in the book because they didn't like my copy.

And in the early days, I was sexually harassed on a daily basis because I have big boobs.

One of the photographers used to call me Rosie Tits.

I need not say more.

There's a saying that I like: when you're a dolphin, you learn to swim with sharks. And let me tell you, there are a lot of sharks in this town, starting with the one at the top, the ruthless SOB working out of Centre Block who has a master plan to take over the world.

He'll take out anybody to achieve his goals.

Let's call him Stephen Scissorhands.

Anyway, as a dolphin, I've learned some strategies to keep myself safe. I will only talk about the female bosses because I've only had female bosses over my career, except you, Peggy, if you're reading this.

-- Don't get mad, get even. Everyone has a weakness and your job as the dolphin is to exploit that weakness. I like to sow discontent among co-workers, whip them up into a frenzy using rumors and innuendo about the boss. It is your job to make sure the boss has no allies or friends in the workplace. So when she slips up, no one will support her.

-- Become friendly with the bosses you hate the most. Charm them, flatter them, offer to buy them skinny lattes and get full fat instead.

-- Get them to confide in you, and then blab their inner hopes and dreams all over the office. I like to use the JellyBelly strategy. Always keep a dish of jellies at the ready for the boss; when she's PMSing and she will tell you everything.

-- Make sure to turn up the flattery particularly when the boss is wearing something really putrific, to make sure she wears it every week.

-- Suggest a new hair color or haircut, one which you know will reflect her ugly nature.

-- Get her to join the gym with you; make sure she forks out thousands of dollars on a service she will never use.

-- Refuse her Facebook request. Always. This may be unnecessary; she will have already have no friends once you're done with her.

These are tried and true techniques, but use them sparingly. I only use them on those deserving of the spite of others. You must verify with at least three other people that the person is a monster, moron or MOFO and it's just not you.

Go forth, dolphins. And good luck.

You will be a boss in no time.

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