Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Linked Out



Have you gotten any Linkedin requests lately?

Linkedin seems to be the nerd's Facebook.

A tool for bastards and boasters.

Or the guy who has resolved never, ever to be on Facebook (because in reality he doesn't have any friends outside the office or because he left his family long ago and he's too embarrassed to put it out there).

Lately, I've been getting loads of Linkedin requests. They remind me a bit of those Christmas cards folks used to send out with all the details of their fabulous lives and their perfect children. I always wanted to puke when I got those cards.

I never trusted those handmade Christmas cards, and I don't trust people to tell the truth on Linkedin.

What's the point of Linkedin anyway?

It just seems to be a resume service. And most of those resumes look a bit padded, slightly contrived to make the vitae's curriculum a little sexier than it is in reality.

Me, I'd like to write the first honest resume.

It might go something like this.

Rose Simpson
Ottawa, Ontario

Education: High school, four years of Carleton Journalism School which I never completed because I got a job.

Employment: 1977-1979 Ottawa Journal
Got my first honest to goodness newspaper job, then the paper folded, I was out on my arse, and thereupon took the first job I was offered.

1979-1980 Ottawa Citizen
Freelance music writer making $70 a week getting drunk in local bars. I might have tried cocaine once. Had to read my column the next day to see what I wrote.

1980-1984 Political fartcatcher
Skills developed: Drinking without puking; flirting with abandon; fornicating often unwisely; fudging expense accounts to make it look like I was working. Mastering obfuscation. Some writing was involved.

1984-1994: Wife of
Skills developed: breastfeeding; arts and crafts; mastering mundane cocktail conversation with idiots and their wives; packing and unpacking; selling houses for far less than they were worth. Some writing was involved when boredom set in.

1994-2004: Ex-wife of
Skills developed: handwringing, creative accounting; anger management; and finally successful litigation. Some writing was required by the court.

2004-present. Not much.

References: You're kidding, right?

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