When I was a little kid, my mom used to drive me to church and drop me off.
Really, I just wanted to go to Sunday School, but part of me hoped that a wee bit of God would rub off on me while I was sitting on that hard and slippery pew.
I've always wanted to believe in God. Always, always, always.
There are days I do.
Like when I see a newborn open its eyes for the first time. Or when I witness a beautiful sunrise.
Or when somebody finally beats the Williams sisters at Wimbledon. Yes!
But the older I get, the harder it is for me to bat down my gut which is not jiggy with the spiritual world at all.
Yesterday, an unmanned train destroyed a Quebec town. Egyptians had their heads blown off.
A plane came down in San Francisco killing a couple of people -- luckily not Sheryl Sandberg who took another flight with her points, as she tweeted breathlessly yesterday.
I'm okay! Thanks Mark Zuckerberg!
Where was God when all this was happening? Was God at the helm of that runaway train? Did God start to cry at a good movie and flood out the people of Calgary and Coney Island? Was God workin' it on Wii Fit and accidentally whipped up the wind and killed all those people in Oklahoma?
God needs to have his toys taken away if you ask me.
I've always wanted God to be more like Johnny Cash.
Unfortunately, I'm beginning to believe God is a lot like Stephen King.
I just don't get it. That's why AA doesn't work for people like me.
"Alcohol ruined my life, so I'll replace it with God and everything will be okay. Work the steps."
Have you ever tried it?
You quickly learn that it wasn't the booze at all. It was you, fine person, who took a crap on your own life. Without alcohol, you are still one fucked up human being. You're just less interesting.
I've asked some God people about all of this.
Reverend Nancy, the chaplain of the Press Club bar, once gave me this explanation.
"Well, Rosie, there is God stuff and there is guy stuff."
Which means God sets up the scenario and guys fuck everything up.
God gives us a beautiful world and we learn to make bombs to blow ourselves up.
God gives us a brood of children who turn themselves into the Sons of Anarchy.
God gives us a pressure cooker to make a pot roast and we put rusty nails in it.
It's what is meant by free will.
God gave us a road map -- the Bible, in the case of Christians -- to show us the way.
He got a bunch of mortal speechwriters together -- Moses, Noah, John the Baptist -- who wrote down a bunch of lessons to show us what will happen if we do the right thing or if we fuck everything up.
The good guys will do the right thing. They will go to Calgary with buckets and drywall and try to make things right. The bad guys will loot.
We're told God loves everybody but the looters will go to hell which is a pretty awful place.
In the secular world, it is referred to as jail.
I've often wondered how a person knows how to do the right thing.
What if you had bad parents or teachers?
Would you still know what to do?
Another clergy person told me that if you pray or meditate on a problem, the answer will come.
Like the final Jeopardy answer, I guess.
This actually has worked for me in the past. Whenever I'm in a spot, I go quiet for a time and often the answer comes, not like Oprah's stupid "ah ha" moment but more like a slap on the head. Then I say to myself "why didn't I think of that before?"
God has come to me this way at various times in my life.
Of course it might just be that it's my mother's voice, or 57 years of experience and not God at all.
Perhaps it's something I've read. Or something my grandma said. Or maybe something I learned on Dr. Phil.
In fact, Dr. Phil has come to me at various times and solved problems for me.
Like when he says "How's that working for ya?" or "If you want to beat an addiction (booze, food, sex), you have to replace it with another one (golf, blogging, juicing).
So is it possible that Dr. Phil is the voice of God?
These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I'm not going to stop believing in God, just in case. But I'm not putting all my eggs in one basket either. If there is no God, if this is just a rumor started by TMZ, then we all should be prepared.
And following sayings is just as good as following the voice of God.
It takes a village.
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
Yeah, I like that last one.