Good morning children.
Feeling a little poorly, are we?
Well, come over here by Mama Rose and lay your sorry heads on my knee.
I'm about to make you feel a whole lot better.
As a survivor of the National Press Club, I have acquired, over the years, a litany of sure fire remedies to help you get over that pesky hangover.
First, stop right there.
Leave that bottle alone.
Hair of the dog does not work; it just delays the inevitable. Actually, that's not exactly true. It is the cure. Just keep drinking and never stop.
You'll just be dead.
Now, pad into the kitcheroo and get out the skillet.
Make yourself a nice feed of bacon and eggs. Or a grilled cheese sandwich. Better yet, a BLT.
Protein is the ultimate gift for drunks and dieters.
Chase it down with chai tea. Or coffee if you prefer.
The caffeine will help. So will the spices in the chai tea.
If this gives you heartburn, chug-a-lug a large glass of soda water with Agostura Bitters. You'll be burping up the bubbles in no time at all. (Bitters work because they are 40 percent alcohol, but unlike hair of the dog, the just-a-touch-of-alcohol helps with the withdrawl. No drinking the whole bottle! This, too, can make you dead).
Now if you're severely hung, doctors and nurses know a few sure cures.
First, if you have access to an oxygen machine, take a good deep breath. It will straighten you right out.
Then give yourself a shot of B12 (or take it in pill form, if you're not qualified to use a prescription pad).
The key is replacing all the things you lost last night along with your car keys and wallet.
Gatorade works sometimes. It restores your electrolytes. But better yet, steal the Pedialyte from the nursery. Nurses swear by this, and we all know what piss tanks nurses are!
I've heard that smoking pot helps a hangover. This is not my experience. It just makes me crave vanilla yogurt.
Besides, the new Harper tough on crime laws -- which make it a criminal offence to share joints in the front yard -- might land you in the hoozgow, and then the hangover won't be your biggest problem.
If you don't have any of these supplies in your house, take a pain killer --Motrin, Advil, Tylenol -- whatever your poison.
Close the blinds and go back to bed. I'm a great believer in the second sleep.
But I'll give you the one thing that cures all hangovers.
Works for everybody, no matter their condition.
What's the ultimate cure for a hangover?