Monday, 7 November 2011

How hard could it be, anyway?

So far, I've had a pretty good life.

But there are some things that remain disappointing to me.

Like crossword puzzles. I am a professional writer and yet I can barely get any of the answers unless they involve celebrities or movies. Crossword puzzles make no sense to me. Yesterday, I sat at the table with Scott, eating breakfast, and gave the Sunday puzzle the good old college try.

A word for tours of duty? Sojourn. Mission. Nope. Stints. Come on.

That's not even a proper military word.

Hey Harold, good to see you back mate.

Yep, just did my stint in the army.

That would be someone, to me, who was pretending to be in the army but was really just a poser -- like Merl Reagle who writes the puzzles.

Pool item? Noodle. Crawler. Nope. Gene. WTF?

Pardon me, honey while I get out the Gene and clean the pool.

I've never heard of some of these words.

I gave up. Once again.

I'm also disappointed in my ability to play the piano. I always wanted to play the piano, but my family was too poor. So when I married Mr. Big, I bought myself a Baby Grand Piano.

The way I figured it, I spent my entire life typing. How hard could playing the piano be?

The answer is way hard.

I couldn't get my fingers to stretch to reach all the keys. So I'll I could do was peck.

And that's just plain embarrassing when you want to impress your dinner party guests with Memories.

I might as well be playing the chicken dance accompanied by a rooster.

I also thought, being a writer, that I could write a song.

How hard could writing a song be?

Again, way hard.

I tried to write a children's song and it sounded like one of those horrible jingles they play on television, the jingles that make you switch channels, the jingles that make you vow never to buy that product.

All my musician friends laughed at me.

It was the same thing when I decided as an adult to take up smoking. The first time I tried it in public, my smoking friends fell all over the bar laughing at me.

So I quit smoking before I could even get started.

Maybe I should try something outside of my comfort zone.

I don't swim, but maybe I could take up snorkelling.

I don't sing but may I could take voice lessons.

I don't ski but maybe I could just be dropped from the sky by a helicopter.

I mean, how hard could it be, anyway?

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